Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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