did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
