I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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