YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Holy shit dude........stairs
Randomize
