Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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