Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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