You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
