don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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