Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
