My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
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