now i know why i became what i already was.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
