i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
