I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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