how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
