did you get engaged???
So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
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