Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
