nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
What a dumb baby whore.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize