me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
