the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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