I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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