Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Someone came in the potted fern
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
