I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Randomize
