they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
