this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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