Old men and throwing up are my life now.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Randomize
