Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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