I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
