the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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