turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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