I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
