Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
