Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Just high enough for therapy.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
