I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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