Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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