Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
