I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
