My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
