I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
50% drunk capacity currently
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
