dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
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