He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Is it penis luge time yet?
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
