For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
