Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
