I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
