please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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