Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
