Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
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