i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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