I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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