Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
