New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
He felt like a one man threesome
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
