I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
