Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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