It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Randomize
