margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
