I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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