just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
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