I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
