She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I queefed so loud it echoed.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
