I just pynch a tree in the face
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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