There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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