fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
