watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Randomize
