I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
