i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Randomize