I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
