I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
