I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Bring me that man meat
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
